Day 39 - Nerves

Off to the festival tomorrow and I'm as nervous as fuck!
I don't know whats wrong with me, stomach is in knots, I think it's the fear of will I have a good time? or a bad time? would I be better off staying in bed all weekend? Have I gotten to the stage where I will be afraid to leave the house.

Well anywho I am going down and have about a million and one things to do in the morning, I should be sleeping but alas I can't (nerves).
So I will be outta action for the next 3 days unless I can blog from there? Actually I think I can and will give it a go if I can.

So till next time, wish me luck!

Day 40 - Fighting my Demons

My inner demons have been battling for a long time now, and I feel Im falling between the cracks of their war! I am torn between the two, to walk the road of control and the right choice, or living one by where guilt is non - exsistent and my actions are not viewed upon as bad, now it's not like I'm gonna kill anyone!

But I am terrible for beating myself up if I really let myself go!
But we all have to vent and let our hair down some time? Right?

I am sure one day my thoughts will be clear and I can rest easy, this brings me to the thoughts of moving away again, finding something new to push me forward.
I am a dreamer, always have been. But it's a good thing great for the imagination.
My imagination is what awakens the demons, so most of the time I am in a vicious circle! How do you get out?


So I am away to sleep. I will be heading off to another festival this weekend so i'll be outta action for a few days, but tomorrow I will be doing a festival music special! (Depends if I'm not wrecked that is, as I will be working late again)

Day 41 - Run all you like....

'It's to bad she won't live, but then again who does' Possibly the greatest line in a movie ever!
When I was younger and back in my Uni days I remember I watched this film practically every day, the whole story of a man on his own dealing with his own emotions and struggling to survive and understand the world around him, as he becomes more and more disappointed with it! I always wanted to be him, walk around and be the silent type.

Was all a dream as my mind played games and I ran amoke and joke and laughed around while the others passed me by! Now I have the fear that when Im forty that all these thoughts will resurge and possibly destroy me!

I have so many thoughts running through my head at the moment, thoughts about every choice I make, its like for everthing there is right way and a wrong way.
And all I want to do is let go sometimes, jump away from it all, throw myself into another life, become someone totally different!
Might have a look at those options tomorrow.

Today whilst at work while my mind battled the will to live and the will to work, I rediscoverd a great musician who I had only heard snippets of, but now I'm back to being a big fan. Might I add it was all thanks to Last Fm.
I hope you like this fella Josh Rouse.

I bid you all goodnight and hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Day 42 - It gets Rough!

The say a picture paints a thousand words, should I stop now? Relax readers. This picture is a symbol of my life in work! Absoulute cobblers! Bloody Monday morning and I am getting warning's to watch my back, what kind of way is that to motivate someone! Sweet God and baby Jesus, you'd swear I was working in anicent Rome!

So much for trying to be a nice guy, honestly you just wanna keep your head down and just carry on and there is always someone making waves! And now I gotta surf them.
I honestly now know that my mental health is diterating at an enormous rate and this work thing is like petrol on the fire!

Hell is other people! Have a read please.

Well I've had enough of the world today, so I'll turn to the most fucked up place on the world for entertainment, Hollywood!!!!!!

Bon Nuit! And if you see me out on the street don't wave hello, just shoot me, and finally some music, these guys
the Redwalls are playing some European dates and might be worth a look.
Now to wrap up with some great stuff Doves, oh yes something right in the world!

Day 44 & 43 - Old Man and Festival Fun

It was but an hour ago, the weekend had come to a close, ended in a dark movie theatre watching Hellboy 2, I was a bit wrecked so did not truly enjoy the movie, none the less it's good. Anywho as I was driving home and I had to get petrol, as I was pulling out of the garage, an old man with a cane passed in front of me. I recognised him as the old janitor from my primary school, he had aged so much, all I remember of him was his blue jump suit and his brisk walk with his keys. He sat on a wall and looked at me, eye to eye like he knew, I knew who he was, I smiled and gave him a nod and he to nodded back. Just makes me think of the Neil Young song 'Old Man'
The question in my head was, did he have a good life? Was he happy with his lot? How will I be when I'm his age? Will I have someone to love me the whole day through?

Over the last two days I attended a festival that was right on my doorstep, good fun was had over the two days, but Jesus it was freezing yesterday, so thank God the sun came out today, so we could dance away to some mad Ukraine music, and I mean dance. The beer from Saturday night had sapped most of my energy, but was good to be out and about, thinking of other things.

It's funny how we try to get the most out of weekends, make em last and make em count!

I leave you tonight with a little taste of DakhaBrakha check it out!

Day 45 - Lost for words

This has been me in the last two weeks and now it's all catching up with me and fast, I am currently dead on my feet, all for the love of the game. Yet been tired is seriuosly damaging my writing skills. I will be honest that in the last two entries I had, had a few drinks but it was also very late and I was again shattered!Thus not very good blog entries.

So what I'm trying to say is that I have a slight case of burnout from the job which in turn is leading to me having some form of writers block!
And NO readers going out and getting laid will not cure me! What I need is Inspiration!
All I have to do is seek it out. hmmmmm, where?

Well thank Christ that week is over, yet I have a reprieve of two days off to gather my thoughts and rest up and nail the following week! Christ I sound far to positive!
All I wanted to do was hit the bars and nail a McDonalds but I prevailed, I avoided the 'you worked hard' treat yourself mentallity, I would throw all my hard running work out the window!

Coming back to my need of inspiration perhaps I could track down a muse? If you know of any let me know.


Tomorrow morning I set of early to go shooting! Don't ask! Perhaps it will help me relieve some of the stress from work, but I'm not gonna lie to you, I'm looking forward to it!

Here's to shooting and better writing!
Back to the music, I don't believe I have mentioned one of Europe's greatest bands
Have a listen and I mean listen!

On a final note, perhaps the reason why I have been coming up short on the blogs is my reason not to talk of reletionships and that sort of thing. If Im good at it, why not stick with it!

Love you all

Day 46 - New Friends and goodbyes

My job is a funny one, why? Because we get to spend the week with someone and then say goodbye never knowing when you will see them them again. Which I think kinda sucks!
The thing is that I may meet someone who is cool and on my wavelength and we have the banter, yet after a period we must say goodbye. Which in a way kinda leaves me feeling a bit **it!

It's like those summer holidays you had when you were a kid, friendship that would never die, talking with that friend for hours, yet when summer ends...............
It's not easy, and it's not something we should be doing all the time as I believe it causes some distres for both parties. Well I won't lie, I made some good friends this week and hope I can stay in touch.

Must be getting sentemental in my old age!

Day 47 - Mazes...........

With a few beers in me I dread the writing of tonights blog, Drink brings out the worst in me, as it's a derpressant! Well it covers the ground for short period, but like all thing's it can't last!

I watched a young kid (name escapes me) dance like a looney, free as can be.
Half the time all I want to do is have a bop!

Well anyway what we got here, is a beautiful pic for all to see.
Quickly on tonights point, we are all maze's, there is far to much to understand in other dialouge.


Addition:
Jasus I must have been a bit tipsy last night what shite was I talking?
Anywho My point of maze's still stands.

Day 48 - Dinner for one!

Now Now, don't feel sad for me, I'm ok! Just been one of those days, worked hard and tried to be the good honest worker for the day, i.e put in a few extra hours(God bless me). So this left me missing dinner, and when I got back to the Cell (hotel room, the novelty wears off quick)I had to get out, dress down and meet the locals!
Well you'll never guess what I did! I cruised the mean streets of this fair old town and looked for some form of entertainment, and in the form of that only a critic would love!

Cinema - Alone - Walked past all the young un's "One for *******2" "Sorry movie is not out till tomrrow" Cut to me walking past all the kids, like an idiot!

Dinner - Alone - Restaurant was quiet very quiet, two couples were in there eating, I enter, music stops and couples look up (only joking) but the couples did look up, "Table for one, please?" "One?" "Yes one please" and here was me thinking could you keep me standing any longer????!

Well the dinner was nice even had a nice glass of wine, after the odd looks and slight embarrasment of reading the Mind Health times all through my dinner it was time to finish the evening. I could not face going back to the hotel, although the shower was enough to have me running back (I've gone through litres of shower gel). What will I do? What is there to do in this town?

Sweet God and Baby Jesus - Let's Roll!
They have a bowling alley, hallelujah! Off I went, now it was not the greatest alley in the world, But I gave it my all, I was rusty very Rusty! (Karl thats for you) High scored 147, dissapointing. I can do better. But none the less it was good to get out and have a throw! Ended up getting 4 games for the price of 3 (Happy days).

Now for all you doubters the Sun does shine on me!.
The only problem about been on your tod for to long is how much you rely on your mobile, to keep you busy, you find yourself saying please ring or even a txt. What Sad crap it all is.

Bed now, big run tomorrow morning................You have to be fit to Bowl!

Now for a little bit of music, my good friend is going to take me to see these fellas
Balkan Beat Box.....................I'm Game!

Day 49 - A pang of thought can wipe away a smile

You know those moment's you have when all is plain sailing and suddenly you remember some bad time of your life, it's like a flash! and then its gone, but that second can feel a lot longer, a small drop of doubt in your ocean of life. How does this happen.
Today for example, I'm working my socks off and just getting on it, but for a split second when I happen to be alone, it happens, the seed of doubt. Now it did not last long as work called and all thoughts were brushed aside. Yet here I am 4 hours later writing about it! I know you know what I mean.

Work is good, good for the soul, good for the madness of life, something to keep you moving along, yet find something that fufills, I'm looking ok! The band thing might happen, but when working in tight creative units things can get a bit hairy, much like a reletionship! (That's for you Rob)

When when those pangs hit I want you to think of this song (not necessarly all about women here)

I have drawn the curtains in the hotel room, I am looking forward to bed, sleep where everything is miles and miles away, today is tomorrow for me as it will be a repeating work day, though I will look forward to a beer or two.

Now I'm thinking of taking a small holiday, week or two, comment's recommending places will be appreciated!

Time to recharge. So Wind me up!
Night World (If only you were reading)

Day 50 - Half way there and further away!

The action of walking backwards, something I think I perfected! Fear not readers moving forwards is priority. It's been a strange day I have had not much time to think of things and have been working all day just finished another 14 hour day. But a day with a plan is a good day progression movement, all key. It's hard though as these days are taxing and can cause me a relapse into the unknown.


It's half past midnight and I've just finished for the day, have not eaten so the good people at the hotel have juiced me up with Coco Pops, I don''t know what it is but it brings out the kid in me, perhaps we should all eat more coco pops!

Im gonna hit the hay and dream of making it big in the band, what a life!
These guys are dreaming and making it happen, Twisted Wheel!

As always leave your comments here!

Day 51 - Super powers & on the Road again

A quiet night in brought about the conversation with a friend of if you had a super power what would it be? Mine would be super speed (Like the Flash!) & Time travel! So I could get round to all the things I need to do! and go back in time and correct my wrongs!(Though in matter of fact if I did that I'd never learn anything) Well if you look at all these super hero's etc they are flawed and all have some problems, we are human after all. So could the greatest super power be humility, something we could all do with a little more of. Though just in case you are wondering I would use my powers for good! (Temptation would exist though)


Well as I declared in today's title I'm on the road again, I wrote briefly about my stint in Bulgaria, well from tomorrow I will be heading to the country for the week, F**K my luck, so it's work and stress for a full week, I had no downtime which I feel I desperatly need, somewhere where technology is forbidden and my phone is dead to the world, and guilt was left a million miles away! Need to get the Feng shui back into action again.
Finding it hard to get the full needed rest when I'm away and that in turn leads to me getting many grey hairs, as always I'll keep you posted on my weeks work.

Last thing today, you know when you hear a song and you have felt that way and completley understand what the song is about, and you say, Why the hell did I not write about that! Don't you hate that! I'm getting that quite a bit.
I know I have not written about music of late, it's not so easy when your away as the laptop is to slow for me to thrawl through the music world.
Here are a few ones I have been listening to, kinda chilled and I'm trying to relax my mood.

Gregory and the Hawk..................Name is a curveball, but nice voice.

Beth Orton................I love her, she is Hot!!!!!!

My Bright Diamond..............Close the curtains and light candles and lay with your lover music!

Day 52 - Small World

Seem's the older you get the smaller the world gets, what happened to all those friends you had? The one's who would fight by your side? Who would walk in the rain and talk shit with you?
Well the sun has gone down, and realism rise's with the stars!

We are all selfish! I am guilty of this, I know it only to well. When we have something we hold onto it, and don't want to share it. This inevtably leads to alienation (hence picture). Though you can't expect your friends to drop tools and run by your side, those days are gone, as 'the apprentice' or a footy match may be on the tv. Load of cock. We all talk a good game but at the end of the day we are all the same, selfish looking for self happiness, some of you may not agree, but it's my opinion (At this moment)I'm not sure I can face looking at some of friends as they sell themselves down the river!

I need to move on find a new fight! I also think cutting out booze would be a good idea as it may prove to give me sometime in my head and a clearer picture of everything around me.

Ok I've been travelling all day and now I must sleep.

Night all

PS it is only my opinion, and I love all my pals.

Day 53 - Still on Duty

My last night in Sofia, not sure I'll miss her to be honest. It is so hot here, but I hear I am going back to Monsoon's so it never works out really.
Not sure if I'm happy to be going home, kinda feel nervous, not that I'll get a chance to settle things as I have to go away down to the country right away. Yet going home brings the fears that problem's need to be tackled things I have said need to be put in motion, and honestly that scares me a little.



I have spoken to friends and their support is unanimous, thank you all.
It's time for bed I don't want to say to much, save my thoughts for another night.

Last thing, I picked up a fortune slip (a thing they do in Bulgaria) and it said I will be travelling soon! Great, tell me something I don't know.

Day 54 - Somber and Tired

First things first, FBI Girl thank you. Your voice and words of reason are a God send.
Well as my title suggest's I'm shattered, all this thinking has wiped me out, put me in that black room and let me sleep, let me hide from the sun. I feel better today, I have made a decision one I can't delve to much into, but lets say it's for the best and hopefully lead to better days.

So I wandered the streets of Sofia today wow, now here is a city that could do with a good gardener! Why let everything overgrow? If I knew I'd make a fortune as a landscaper! What dreams may come true!

You know all this talk of mad minds and our demon's brings me to ask, how many of us out there fight them? It's not uncommon I read. I guess I ignored it and put the strong face up, now what goes up must come down, oh and down it did. Now Im 50 plus days into the blog and I have to turn it around! (Im loosing my readers, about 30)
Now I can't promise love, adventure, drink and madness! But I will try my hardest to turn things around, but like I said yesterday honesty is key here, KEY!

Again in my pain and torment I turn to music, mostly in the guise of the Kings of Leon (see back dates), I am also listening to these boys The Enemy....cobweb killers!

I leave you with two pictures I took of graffiti in Sofia.

Day 55 - Love not returned

This is me (well not really, I'm a guy) What can I say, I have to be honest this is why Im writing the blog to be honest at some level with myself! (That was for you Rob) I am still in love, love with someone who does not return it, someone who has moved on, and in knowing that It breaks the heart. It's like loosing a lot of money or something precious, you know you won't get it back. That is unless you win the lotto etc etc.

I want to step outside of myself and have a good look at myself, from all angles, just to see how I operate on an ordinary day. I know I would hate who I am. The anger is welling up in me, I have shown weakness now all I want to do is punish myself for that mistake!

I hate myself right now!

I am sitting here in a hotel lobby laptop in lap, ipod on shuffle, and all I do is skip to the sad songs. I am gonna really hate myself in the morning, such a twat!
'Show me your sword lady, for I will fall on it gladly'

Please help me, my mind has lost it's sun and it scares the life outta me! I'm a fighter I am I swear but I have fought in all the wrong places and have lost and lost badly.

I know not many people read this, close friends and some more do, but I really have to say Im not afraid of been honest anymore!(Rob)
But I need some form of help, on what level I don't know, just know now I do.

Here is what I will sleep to tonight!
This man truly has a gift, one who hits on every note!

Im sorry if my words have been strong and troubling(perhaps they are not)but I have to speak whats on my mind!


Pray for me.

Day 56 - What Food am I?

If you were a food dish what would you be? Oh Fuck off with that question! Yet it got me thinking.....damn you!
Well the dish to the left is me Sweet and sour anything....good and bad.....a man tormented by his demons! Just like sweet and sour, you never know what your gonna get, oh the suspence!




Well as I sit in my hotel room in Sofia the heat plays games with my mind, talks to me, introduce's history to a mind that had attempted to rid itself of such muck! Is this a haunted room? I think not, brand new hotel! No demon's here.....all in my mind.

Well the work continues, it feel like Im on a railway, on a railway cart trudging away towards a horizon that never seems to get nearer! Alas that is the way it's supposed to be for a while. Were is my sun!


Tomorrow is a big day, so must have my wits about me and its well late here, Thank sweet God and Baby Jesus for Music, really is the crutch in my life right now!
Today I saw some graffiti on a wall here, do you know what it said?..................
NO EXCUSES!

A sign from God (pic of it tomo)

PS I hate texting or emailing people and they don't get back to you! Fuckers
Also on a good note I got a couple of bowling games in today, averaged 149 so am pleased, but missed out on a lot of spares!

Music.........just listen to Queen! This link is for my good Friend Harry - I love u!

Day 58 - 57 My work Travel reletionship!

A little note about me: As soon as I finished school I wanted out of home and setting off to see the world, I have did a bit of it and laughed my a off all the way, and met so many people, one's that I still have contact with and some that have faded away. In someways it makes me sad. Cos to live like a traveller has a certain price to pay, no roots etc. But I was happy that way, for a while!

Now that I have been in my homeland for sometime now, 3 plus years, all I can feel is that I am screaming to get out of here, the monotany of the talk here would drive you to suicide! The talk of home now is of recession and job losses, the bubble had to burst! But from this ly's the problem do you give up the job in search of something better, when with all that's going on, it may not be out there.

I have spoken to many people who are looking towards the greener pastures, and I know in my heart of heart's I want to join them......so much.............

The main reasons for my writings today is beacause of a long day travelling on plane you get a lot of time to think about what you are doing with your life. For example at a flight leaving at 08.30 in the morning and the meal served at 09.00 the guy besides me ask's for a beer! WTF!!!!!!!! So as I write this from my hotel room I say it loud and proud I'VE NEARLY HAD ENOUGH!

Well good night from Sofia, where i'll be writing from for the rest of the week.

Come on, Beer with breakfast.............

Music is from a delightful group from London (me thinks)
Does it offend you, yeah?..........IF YOU CANT GET PAST THE NAME GET OUT OF THE WAY

Day 59 - Music and Mirror's

Another day another dollar....if it was that simple! Work was hell and about to get worse!Musically rehearsal was poor last night and that just add's to the frustration! We need to concentrate harder and work on creative side. This song is one I wish I had written.
So all I have to say if that right now I find it hard to look in the mirror!

Day 60 - Smiles and Tears with fears

It's all a circle of things that repeat and we as person's on this planet are part of it! What we think about now, people back hundred's of years ago thought similar things, Love, Life and happiness.
I have been speaking to a female friend of mine, who is down! Down about everything, she can't grasp how about 6 years ago she was wild and free, and how now she is trying to play it straight but has made herself so unhappy! Im pretty sure it was the same deal back in the day! Where did the dreams go? who introduced this idea of play it safe???
Now I understand where she is coming from, for I feel like that most everyday. But I choose not to act, for in the back of my mind I have a plan!(One I'm convinced will free me from this servtitude - though knowing my luck, i'll be at square one when I'm free)
I suggested to my friend she write down things she wanted to do or be, and then through the process of elimanation see which one's are possible. Having a direction in life I honestly believe is key!

Now let me try this train of thought on you all..........Logan's Run The idea that we all pass on at 30? Not bad? I believe we have all experienced enough of life at that stage so why not halt the process of mass overcrowding on our planet. Ok ok I problably sound crazy, so just follow the links I have there and have a look. Im just throwing it out there.

Now let me tell you all how I finish my silly days of working for the man.
After I have all my mad thoughts pushed to the side, I turn to comedy, tonight it's HotRod....Wish me luck!

Music

The Maccabees......................Cos thats the kinda of mood Im in now

Night all

Day 61 - Personel Best

Apologies I forgot to blog last night, I know busy busy (Lies), Well not a lot happened apart from the fact that I set myself a new personel best in bowling,
181, Delighted with myself, was a good game, I think Im improving!

I have some great music here for you all, from a few years ago but great stuff, I recall hearing them a year or so ago, sore memories but great stuff all the same.

Till tonight..............

Day 62 - My Past life

Well I have been writing well over a month and a bit now, and have not really told you much about myself, only that I have a broken heart and am quite an angry person at time. But I honestly say this, I am a good guy and have the best intentions. The picture is off a comic I collected when I was a kid, I loved it, every week, the excitment of going to the Newsagent to get it, God it was scary, I remember we had to order it and my surname was written in the corner of the comic, so as to know it was for me. Those were the days, for many years I was facinated by that shopkeeper. He was a miserable old man, who carried the 50's look well into the 80's, would always gripe at you in the shop, but I was jealous because of all the comics he had he could read to his hearts content! After that I used to tell people I wanted to be a shopkeeper. Alas what dreams come true.You see that fella Dan Dare had the right name and right attitude no bollox! Just do it!

Now an actor thats where the fun would be playing different people all the time, suit me to the ground. Now enough of the daydreaming Nomar.
'Its what the people wanna hear!' Let me ramble a little bit more tis been a while.
I must say when I played a good few gig with a band I was in the energy and fun been up on stage was excellent. I long for that, its a real rush! I would come off stage empty, having given it my all. Now Im not blowing my own horn or anything but it was a real thrill, and I look forward to doing it again.

In me is this artistic beast screaming to get out! I know it, but I fear that my middleclass up bringing with it's play it safe attitude killed it! But the beast grows, it had a small taste, there is so out there, all sorts of things going on, it's all out there for us to look at, if we stepped away from our fucking computers!
I have an idea for a photo project and as soon as I get a decent camera Im on it!
Though as soon as I wrote that, my mind shouted be FRUGAL MOTHERFUCKER!
So there you have it middleclass torment!
Show me the door I'm afriad of this, or do I want it?

As always I love you all, and leave you with possibly the greatest band around at the moment!


SEX ON FIRE..................FUCK YEAH!

Day 64 - 63 Festival Antics

Well after the crap antics and the angrer of Friday night I packed my small bag grabbed a sleeping bag and headed to the country for a small festival, car full of cheap beer, and a few of the boys, of we went. A great laugh was had on the Saturday night, dancing the night away (That's all I'll say) I saw some good bands and I'll post the links up too them for you to enjoy. Sunday was a bit tougher........rough head and little sleep but spirits where lifted later in the day for us all to be smiling again, never though has so much shite been talked about, all in good fun though. Thanks Fight Like Apes!

Home now and resting up for the week ahead! Nightmare

Just wanted to add something on a brief note, as the Olympics are coming I have been showing little interest in it but this article on the great BBC website has a very good message in it for us all to hear.




Music from the Festival
Rarely seen above Ground............All by himself, but not shy, show of the festival

Colm Lynch............Now I have to hand it to him and the Honeydogs, they put on a show, and that's what caught my attention.

Fight Like Apes.......The finshing act of the festival put on a great show, these guys will go far, Loads and Loads of energy! At one stage the keyboard player was had the singer on the ground and was pretending to shag her....NUFF SAID!

Kormac.............Old Skooll Jive with Modern beats. Great fun these fella's, though at the festival was not sure about the Barber shop quartet.

Well thats me done for another day or so.
Rest easy now.
Thanks for Reading.
Ps Readers please leave a comment on what book you are reading now.

Day 65 - Lost in Translation & a broken camera

Ah fuck......I took my camera out for the first time tonight and broke the screen, not happy! Though I think I'll get an SLR and work on some ideas I have!
Anywho what a load of shite, people and their smiles, I was hoping for a bit of banter tonight and all I'm left with is the taste of chips and Jager bombs......People don't get me! Turn the faces away at my Jokes.........Fuck em! I ain't hurting.

I had a million things to say on my way home but now I've forgot. Ah yes.
I lie to myself.
I make promises I can't keep.
I put myself in positions I want out of as soon as I make them.
I want to dance.
Nobody bothers you when you dance, no never.
Like I said Jump Jive and wail.

When I look in the mirror I'm not impressed, I know who I am and what I'm capable of, and I have a mean streak, yet I constantly hear, I'm a better person, how do they know? Can I have the answer!!!!

Fuck I broke my camera! Money down the swanny!
Look after your camera's and don't do drugs!